


Querencia

by xCloudy_1412



Series: Until Winter Comes [2]
Category: Magic Kaito, 名探偵コナン | Detective Conan | Case Closed
Genre: 1920's, Alternate Universe, Blood & Gore, Established Relationship, Long Distance-ish Relationship, M/M, Pianist!Kaito, Pining, Soldier!Shinichi, War times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 01:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,673
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15961361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xCloudy_1412/pseuds/xCloudy_1412
Summary: Whenever the sun sets and the moon stands proud in the sky, Shinichi allows himself a short respire and lets his mind remind him of the pianist waiting for him back at home, with the smell of a hearth and the warmth of a thousand gentle suns.





	Querencia

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the B-Side of 'Until Winter Comes'! 
> 
> If you're out of the loop, 'Until Winter Comes' is a challenge given to me by Fumi (@GAKU88EVER) to write a fic with the phrase 'Until Winter Comes' as a basis and I did, you can check it out [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15912516) but felt that Shinichi's side needs some more spotlight and since people wanted to see his side of the story I made this. There's no specific order in reading the fics so rest assured, you aren't missing out that much but I do encourage reading both sides for maximum angsty enjoyment. XD 
> 
> So as I've said, this is Shinichi's side to 'Until Winter Comes' featuring Pining, Blood and Gore, Profanities, Violence and the like. 
> 
> The title Querencia is a Spanish noun with the origins meaning "Home" or dolled up "A place where you draw strength from, where you feel the at home and where you are your most authentic." 
> 
> Without further ado, enjoy~!

Spring came with a bitter feeling and a gentle whisper of the winter that has once again passed.

Flowers would shyly peek through the melting snow, spreading pollen and igniting an allergic reaction from one Kudo Shinichi. 

Sneezes racked through the man's body as he stepped out into an open meadow, serene and breezy. He spotted a couple or two sharing a small checkered blanket and toasting over sandwiches and strawberries, the sight sent a small pang through Shinichi's chest as he tore his gaze away and rejoined his comrades. 

His shoes were muddy from too much trekking, his faded beige camo was speckled with pieces of leaves and dirt, around his neck hung a silver ring, glinting under the harsh sunlight. Yes, he had a wedding ring. Yes, he is married. Married to a man who's smile shines brighter than every star in the night sky, a man who has patience longer than a mother's, a man who loves Shinichi with all his heart, a man named Kuroba Kaito. 

"Oi, Kudo. General Rye sent a command out, we're being deployed again." His comrade, Hattori Heiji, a man who possessed great intellect and a headstrong personality, one of Shinichi's closest friend in the force, he was one of the few original people he met that the war hasn't taken yet. 

"Seems like the war ain't gonna stop anytime soon, eh?" Heiji mused out, hearing the sound of booted footsteps from afar. "Seems like it," Shinichi replied, slinging his musket over his aching shoulder, the movement making his necklace swing. Heiji's eyes followed the movement and was about to comment about it but Shinichi had already walked away.

5 months into the war, the army had confiscated every type of jewelry and accessories from their soldiers as they deemed it as a obstacle when handling a gun but everyone knew that they sold every jewelry to fund themselves. The day they collected the jewelry was the day Shinichi got beaten to a pulp as he had tried to fight back, his fellow comrades describing that incident as purely instinctual and simply, full of love.

Heiji remembers it rather clearly, General Scotch had come up to their little barrack and demanded that they handed over each and every type of accessories they had, they had taken even Heiji's engagement ring much to his chagrin and was about to collect Shinichi's but the man had _begged_ that they let him keep his ring, he had begged on his knees, hands wrapped around his wedding ring as if to protect it. The general had tried to take it by force but Shinichi snapped back, punched the man square on the face followed by a swift roundhouse kick. It didn't quite faze the general as he make quick work to teach the violinist a lesson, leaving him bloody and bruised but he never took his ring.

The entire of Squadron 1 still remembers how Shinichi, bloodied and bruised made sure that the ring was still with him, he didn't even care about his own injuries. All he did was clutch onto his ring like it was his lifeline. 

Gods be damned if they tried to take away the violinist's wedding ring, because they all knew just how precious it was to Shinichi and he himself knew that the wedding ring was his only connection to his husband. 

♣︎

Shinichi has a husband, most of his team knew that irrevocable fact like the air they breathed in. But the man never really openly showed it but as days turned to months and in turn years, Hattori Heiji noticed just how married he was.

He knew for a fact that Kudo Shinichi would always wake up at 4 am in the morning to wait by their post office before the mailman even arrives. 

He knew for a fact that Kudo Shinichi would always have a faraway look of fondness whenever someone mentions music.

He knew for a fact that Kudo Shinichi would kiss his wedding ring before going to bed, before going on a mission, as the day starts and whenever he thought no one was looking. 

He knew for a fact that Kudo Shinichi would stay awake in bed till 3 in the morning, gazing at the stars and when asked why he would reply that he loved the color of the night sky and how the sun just barely lights it up into a color that wasn't blue nor purple but _indigo_.

He knew for a fact that Kudo Shinichi would always look behind him whenever they went on scouting missions as if expecting someone to call out to him.

Hattori Heiji knew just how irrevocably in love Kudo Shinichi was and everyone knew that but couldn't even begin to fathom how deep his love went. Not even Heiji who's gone through thick and thin with the man could decipher just how deep it ran. 

And it was fine that way, because Hattori Heiji knew that whenever he mentioned his husband, Shinichi's azure eyes would darken ever so slightly and his grip would wind up around his wedding ring and Heiji knew he was in pain. 

♣︎

During their first year in the army, the soldiers were trained and out through hell.

Breakfast at 5, a second late and no breakfast. Lights out at 10, anyone caught roaming would spend the night naked. In between were hellish courses that had any man, scrawny or buff, crying and moaning in agony.

Some didn't make it, some were pushed down the rabbit hole of madness, some ended their lives at the crack of dawn and Shinichi, Shinichi went through it all.

He spent days, aching and in pain as the general worked them to the bone. Screaming profanities and insults at the men who fell behind which included Shinichi.

It was maddening, the daily torture he was put through was maddening enough for the violinist to snap, cackle madly and break down into hysterics behind barracks where no one could see him, where no one could interfere or punish him. 

It was maddening enough for Shinichi to momentarily forget about the world, until a phantom of a voice he knew so well pulled him back into reality, grounding him and anchoring him. The tender sound of a piano ghosting him and the man found himself clinging onto the last thing that kept him sane throughout the entirety of boot camp;

Kuroba Kaito.

♣︎

War was in the simplest terms: hellish. 

Innocent men were forced to march to their deaths for a corrupt cause, destroying enemies' homes, land and even loved ones all because of the law and Shinichi had experienced it all. 

He had experienced coming up to a wounded enemy, begging and pleading in a foreign language as he held up his rosary and wedding ring, as if to say that he had a family waiting back at home for him and Shinichi couldn't empathize more than he already did because the thought of 'family' made him remember of Kaito with his sweet kisses and warming hugs and he couldn't think any longer or else he would die on the battlefield out of distraction.

He watched as the married enemy was ruthlessly gunned down, listening as he uttered one last name before falling limp and Shinichi wondered if he would someday end up like him, but he had to be strong, he had Kaito waiting for him and he wasn't planning on leaving him alone in this twisted world. 

War played with a man's head in many more ways than one, one of its favorite tortures were nightmares.

Nightmares of mangled, bloody bodies upon a desolate battlefield and the sound of gunshots, screams and cries. These types of nightmares kept Shinichi up for an eternity as he prayed to the gods for strength and for the war, for the countries to make peace with one another. 

His prayers were never answered as the war wages on day by day, as the nightmares continue to haunt the soldier until he decided to take a risky walk outside to discover that the color of the night sky looked painstakingly like the eyes of his beloved just as twilight broke and Shinichi found comfort in it, far more than he had ever expected. 

He found comfort in the strangest places. He found comfort in the twilight sky, just as how he finds comfort in a simple potato gratin dish the army served every other Sunday (Kaito loved gratin with the slightest amount of cheese and breadcrumbs), just like how he finds comfort in wearing gloves (he wore gloves everywhere just like how Kaito always wore gloves days before and after a performance because he had to keep his fingers in perfect health), just like how he finds comfort in seeing flowers (especially roses, he still remembered the colorful array of roses that Kaito prepared and wore for their wedding) and Shinichi knew that it was the strangest things and only irony could match up to the strangeness. 

He found it ironic how he thought he loved the pianist enough already but found himself falling deeper as he counted the days that passed by where Kaito never kissed him goodnight or woke him up with a gentle shake and a blinding smile. 

The thought of what could be was painstakingly dear and heart-wrenching.

♣︎

Shinichi would seldom look at his hands and wonder if he still remembered how to play the violin, as the lines that were usually etched onto his fingertips disappeared from the lack of using the musical instrument and how his hands grew stiffer and less flexible by the day. 

The thought of not being able to accompany Kaito to his recitals and concertos left a deep stab wound in his heart, he wanted to be with him, wanted to play with him, he wanted to listen to the sound of the piano by Kaito's side while he played the violin but right now it was impossible, he couldn't be the one to play for Kaito.

He tried very hard not to imagine a different violinist playing by Kaito's side, sharing a bond with the pianist and playing in tune to one another. Gods, he wanted to be the only person to have the right to accompany Kaito's piano. He didn't want anyone else to share that privilege but right now, he didn't have a say in things because he was a simple soldier who didn't have a place in the world.

Sometimes, he'd let himself remember about the times he used to play the violin. He had played it during their first date (Which was held at Room 4869 where Kaito had prepared him coffee and biscuits and the two enjoyed each other's presence for the entire day), he played his violin whenever Kaito had an emotional breakdown before a big performance and he wondered if Kaito still kept Shinichi's violin. 

No doubt it would be out of tune and dusty by now because Shinichi knew that Kaito didn't have a clue on how to tend to anything other than a piano and the fondness of the thought would make Shinichi smile ever so slightly. It was a rather ironic sight really, Kudo Shinichi smiling like he had just seen his first born in the middle of an ashen battlefield. 

He knew that Kaito would want him to smile at least a little bit even when they're far apart but it was rather laughable because the person that Shinichi smile was the same person who was currently miles and miles away from him.

♣︎

Autumn was a short respire before winter came with harsh winds and biting coldness.

It's been 2 years, 8 months and 15 days since he last saw Kaito and as the days go by the soldier found it harder and harder to stop himself from leaving his post and just running all the way back to their shared house. 

He only had a few connections to his dearly beloved, a few things that connected him to his love, two things that kept him sane as General Rye tortured a fugitive right next to Shinichi's sleeping quarters.

His wedding ring and Kaito's letters to him.

Shinichi kept a small wooden box that held each and every one of the 142 letters Kaito has sent him over the course of 3 years and Shinichi wanted to reply to each and every one of them but the army had banned replying a year and a half ago and even before that they barely gave out paper and lead to write with so the soldier was left with no means to reply to Kaito and it drove the soldier mad, reading his letters and watching as they slowly grew more and more somber as the undertone of the words _'Are you still alive?'_ grew more and more and it hurt _so much_.

Now here he was, in Britain's headquarters, the main base of operation. He had just arrived back from a scouting mission down at Wales where half the soldiers were dying and the other half were already dead and he only had enough time to exit the general's room after his report before his entire world shook and burst into flames.

"Get down, fuckers!!" He faintly recognized the sound of General Rye's voice as the sky shook and reverberated with the sound of fighter jet dropping bombs on the base before the ceiling collapsed and Shinichi fell into a world of darkness. 

He awoke with half his body flaring up in pain, he was surrounded by amber flames threatening to burn him alive but that was the least of his concerns. His treasured box was _wooden_ and the letters it held were _paper_. 

"Kudo? You alright bud?!" Heiji's voice called out from some feet away, seemingly fine while Shinichi was half dead and from what he could see his right arm was trapped underneath a medium sized rock, the top part of it literally had a chunk torn off showing the broken bones underneath (no doubt from the hurtled projectile piece of wood that came with the explosion), he could fairly make out the singed and littered open wounds, blotched and swelling no doubt infected by the soot and dirt that got into them. His left ankle was bent in an odd way, dislocated like his left arm that hung limply on his side, just another day in the army it seems. 

"Rescue's coming so sit tight! The right wing is burning up right now, everyone evacuated to the nearest camp." Heiji informed and Shinichi's blood ran cold. The right wing housed every soldier's sleeping quarters including Shinichi's, and Shinichi kept his wooden box underneath his bed and he didn't have to hesitate to try and move (with much difficulty as moving his body caused him to discover even more injuries on him, namely his entire right leg was burnt to a second degree and that his left arm had a long gash caused by the glass mirror on General Rye's office). 

"Kudo?! Oi, you better stay put!" Heiji's voice rang out as he heard the sound of shuffling and sickening sounds of blood. His warning went unheard as Shinichi continued, his right arm was infected, it was obvious and it was literally hanging off by a few muscles so without hesitation. The soldier took out his combat knife and _sliced_ the remaining muscles and ligaments that held his arm together, it hurt. It hurt quite a lot, but not as painful as the thought of loosing his semblance of Kaito. His arm fell with a sickening plop onto a puddle of collecting blood and he was free, he moved to stand and regretted doing so ever so slightly. 

The soldier muffled his scream with his sleeve as pure pain shot up through his entire body, causing the man to lean back against a crumbling wall. His left arm swung uselessly to the movement and Shinichi tried to walk again, shaky steps. He couldn't move his left ankle so he had to drag literally half his body forward. The entire place was covered with a thick layer of soot and smoke making it hard for the soldier to breathe but he didn't care, he didn't mind. He had to get something that meant more than anything else in the world. 

He slowly made his way towards the right wing, leaving behind him a trail of dark crimson blood but that didn't matter. His entire body was screaming with pain, begging him to rest and just wait for rescue to come but only one thing was accepted in his mind. He had to get Kaito's letters.

He took a step forward only to stumble just a few ways away from his burning room, he had to retrieve them because they held each and every one of Kaito's emotions,

His legs gave out but the soldier wasn't going to stop, he would never stop as he hauled his body forward, squirming and writhing, any movement just to get him closer to his room.

He couldn't stop because he still had so much to say, to reply to those letters, he wanted to tell Kaito that he was proud of him for performing in Britain's grandest hall,

He inched closer to his room, he still had to tell Kaito 'Thank you' for cleaning his violin and tuning it, 

He still had to tell Kaito that he was so brave and strong for battling with opinionated homophobes on his own,

He still had to tell Kaito that the potato gratin always reminded him of the pianist because he knew it was his favorite food,

He still had to tell Kaito that 3:15 am was the best time to gaze at the sky because it was the closest color to Kaito's eyes,

He still had to tell Kaito sorry for missing three first-meeting anniversaries, three of Kaito's birthdays, three of their wedding anniversary, three of his father's death anniversary, three of every important milestone in his life,

Shinichi's vision swam as his legs went numb, his arm was still sluggishly bleeding and losing blood quickly. Just a little more, he prayed to the gods his room was just a few feet away from him but his body refused to move, his torso trembled with pain as his legs simply gave out. 

_'Please....'_

He whispered a prayer in vain as his vision darkened, watching as his room collapsed inwards and burst into crimson flames just before he fell into oblivion.

_He still had to tell Kaito that he loves him._

♣︎

He woke up to white walls, stuffy air and bandages clinging onto him like second skin.

He sat up with much difficulty as raising himself with one, very injured arm was horrendous and he found a strawberry blonde woman jotting down notes by a desk to his left, Shiho Miyano, headquarter's best army doctor. 

The first thing he thought was _'Where was his wedding ring? Where were Kaito's letters?'_ and Shiho seemed to have picked up on it as she silently pointed to a clump of lackluster silver metal that encased a broken indigo gem lying on the desk. Shinichi couldn't stop the small throaty cry that came out of him as he tried to reach out for it. 

"You were in pretty bad shape when rescue got to you," Shiho started nonchalantly, cruel and precise as Shinichi looked on with horror as the ring that he and Kaito specifically chose for each other was reduced to a simple lump of nothingness, "We found your arm by a boulder so I'm guessing you cut it off? Which was a rather bad move since you could have died from blood loss." The blonde snapped at him, slinking closer to inspect his bandages.

"Did they retrieve a wooden box from Squadron 1's sleeping quarters?" He asked, raspy and pleading, hoping that at least the letters were safe. "Everything was burnt to the ground." Shiho answered him and Shinichi's entire world crumbled, his sight swam and his hearing dulled. He could only faintly make out that Shiho was explaining to him his wounds.

Kudo Shinichi was a strong man, he was leader of Squadron 1 and had faced many battles over the course of 3 years but now, he was a simple man who lost the only things that kept him sane.

"Kudo," Shiho started as she watched in alarm as Shinichi's breathing turned sharp and jerky, "Calm down, if you go into shock you'll aggravate your wounds!" She hissed out, keeping the man steady as his only arm flailed and shook. With no effect whatsoever, Shiho gave up and decided to retrieve something from her desk. 

"The army stopped sending out letters to the soldiers last week since everyone's all hands on deck with rebuilding and regrouping from the recent bombing but Heiji managed to sneak out and get this," She informed, trudging over hold a faded white envelope with a familiar seal of a dove perched on a wisteria tree. "I was planning on giving it to you when you've fully recovered but I think you need it now more than ever," Shiho whispered as she handed him the letter.

Shinichi took it and with much difficulty opened it with his bare hand, the faint smell of cinnamon reached him and the soldier found himself calming down. He was almost afraid to read the contents.

_"Dear Shinichi,_

_How was your day? I have a recital coming up next week and Aoko's been abusing me into practicing for more hours, I'm being worked to the bone here and Saguru just lets his wife do as she pleases! Could you even believe his nerve?! I'm playing new compositions this time and it's rather fun and challenging, I still prefer Liszt though._

_I heard from the news that our headquarters was bombed and I sincerely hope that you're back at Wales flirting with some other pianist because you better not be at headquarters or else I'm going to sneak into the army and haul your ass back home._

_Although with jokes aside, I hope you're alright. I hope that you, Kudo Shinichi is reading this letter and not some other soldier who found this in your belongings. Because you are alive right? This letter reached you right? I'm not talking to a dead man and just fooling myself that you're still out there somewhere—_

_Sorry, sorry! I got carried away, I know you're still out there somewhere fighting for this country and I salute you for that but come home soon, I miss you. I love you, I love you everyday and every night and I always will._

_I still buy your stupid fancy French roast coffee and I'm starting to like the taste of it, Ayumi's teaching me how to play the violin too but I can't seem to play it properly, maybe you could teach me someday._

_I'll wait for an eternity just come home alive okay?_

_Forever yours,  
Kudo Kaito."_

Salty tears dropped onto the parchment as Shinichi hastily tried to wipe them away, he let out a soft, barely audible sound as he clutched the letter close to him. He missed Kaito, he missed his husband, he wanted to hug him and kiss him and tell him that he was there. He was breathing and he was alive, he had to tell Kaito.

Shiho pressed a cold hand against his back in an attempt to comfort him as Shinichi held onto the letter like it was his lifeline. The man reached out to grab Shiho's pencil, flipping the paper around and writing in uneven letters as tears clouded his vision. 

_'I'm still here'_

Maybe one day, he could give his reply to Kaito but for now, he was stuck in the middle of a war vying between life and death. 

♣︎

Winter marked the end of a year long journey as humans prepared for the next year and the spring after it.

For Shinichi, winter was a painful reminder that he had gone through yet another year away from his beloved.

Winter was supposed to be warm, winter was supposed to be peacefully spent with loved ones, filled with gift giving and merry making and maybe this year, Shinichi could hope that he can do the same.

It's been a month since the bombing and Shinichi's wounds were gradually healing but nothing could heal the wounds that he had in his heart as his wedding ring was taken away for the scrap yard, winter this year was painfully colder than the last one.

Although, he might have some hope still left in his pathetic life. 

As General Rye came into his room with a badge and a certificate.

♣︎

Shinichi's fondest memories would always be the times they played _La Campanella_.

The first was when they first discovered Jii's practice hall, a stumble on their way avoiding paparazzi and nosy prostitutes. Kaito had insisted on seeing who played their instrument better than the other and they decided for a common song, which was La Campanella. 

They played, both novice-like and jerky as they struggled with the difficult piece and it ended in a tie full of laughs and cackles. 

The second was when Kaito was on the verge of vomiting the night before a grand recital and they had played the song to tire themselves out which resulted to a cuddle session by the fire with Shinichi pressing butterfly kisses against Kaito's temple and forehead until the pianist fell asleep.

The third was during one of the rare dates they went out on, they played at the town square with Kaito using a French accordion instead of a piano and Shinichi used a viola because his violin was for repairing. It was messy and uncoordinated but the two had fun as well as the crowd that gathered to listen.

The song would always be, and is a part of Shinichi's memories and will always hold a special place in his heart as it is one of the bonds that forever tied him to Kaito, even when he's halfway across the country and presumed dead by gossip.

♣︎

The sound of the piano reverberated throughout an empty practice hall as Shinichi took light footsteps closer and closer to a certain room, his muscles were still screaming with pain as the insides of his wounds have barely healed but he had something more important to do than to lie in a hospital bed.

The familiar sound of a certain song played on as Shinichi inched closer, breathing heavily as his legs threatened to give out for more reasons that one. His heart pounded faster than the first time he played for his beloved, his hand was clammy and sweaty and he almost backed out if it weren't for the overwhelming amount of love that overtook his senses when he opened the door ever so slightly.

_"Did you know that Liszt took La Campanella from Paganini's Violin Concerto in B Minor, it's almost plagiarism except that La Campanella is better played on the piano and by a pianist such as yourself."_

He found himself greeted by the warmth of a gentle sun and the smell that was distinctly _home_ as he felt arms winding tightly around him and he did his best to return the affection with his one arm. 

The pain and weight he had carried for 3 years was lifted by two simple words and Shinichi couldn't stop the soft sobs that left his body as he drew himself closer, raking a hand over the noticeably longer hair that was tied into a neat ponytail.

"I'm home," Shinichi whispered with a smile lacing his voice, his body shook with pain as the touch aggravated his wounds but he felt nothing but warmth, he felt nothing but love and he was home as he let himself sink into a deep kiss. 

_**I'm home, Kaito.** _

**Author's Note:**

> And that's it for 'Until Winter Comes' B-Side! I hope you enjoyed it and maybe cried? (Because this is the first time I attempted at straight angst with no comedy relief oh gods) 
> 
> And yes, Kaito grew his hair out and I on purposefully didn't add it in his side of UWC because I wanted for you readers to discover it with Shinichi, the reason he grew out his hair you ask? Kaito grew his hair out as a promise to not cut it until Shinichi comes home! <3
> 
> Here are some references to what Kaito would look like with long hair~:  
> • [Click me!](https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQPoiCLnGvsKjfNwuZEY_6YFxufnPYYvRMcasPF8YZgEhmLI-MtrdFR8cYA)  
> • [Click me too!](https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRqROB2pSnLlNJm2MqCFiIh_TAYtzIEG1Plmzu2_aLP9egqG8AqFym3jkoF)
> 
> I'm honestly rather unsatisfied with this one since I'm not so confident in writing straight angst but I do hope you liked it! 
> 
> My next fic might be a prequel to this series covering how the two met, fell in love and all that stuff but I'm still undecided since I've got like 4 other prompts I really want to try out and aaaa we'll see. I'd like your opinions on it though, would a prequel be nice? 
> 
> Leave a Kudo (or a Kaito, Shin needs one) on your way out and maybe a review/constructive criticism?
> 
> Till next time! See you~!!


End file.
